The worst thing about the onset of depression though is not having anyone to help you. It’s such a struggle. At some point, you become self destructive socially. You become torn so much you seek for attention, willing to do anything for anyone at any given time. It doesn’t matter if you just only met this person or have only known him or her for a week or month, you cling on to this person. Then the person fades away. So, you find someone else to cling to but then eventually this person fades away too. Then the circle just keeps going until you isolate yourself. Away from everyone. And nobody is going to help anyway. There’s nobody there. Not one single family member, not any friend you ever made, you have nobody. No one wants to help a “dead beat” like you. No one needs you. No one wants you. No one.
Then you look at your life. Where are you at now? You don’t have a single person to be there for you. There’s nothing significant with your name on it. You practically have nothing in your bank account. There you are. You just are there. You’re life means nothing. Then you watch the news where people who succeed in doing something great and then they say something like, “I could not have done this without help.” You look down, scowl at your hands, nudge your feet together, and hold your breath for some time. Right, if only someone would help you. If only someone cared. If only I was important to someone. If only.
Slowly over time, depression intensifies and evolves into numbness. The epitome of sadness. The woes and the fears exceed into this dark, dark tunnel. A tunnel with nothing in it but you and darkness. It’s the epic of every tragic suicide.
You don’t want to experience numbness, it’s more painful than feeling sad. It’s horrible. You can’t feel anything. You can’t think about anything. You can’t bring yourself to do anything. You’re smack in the middle of hope and no hope; at least if you feel no hope, you know hope exists. If you’re numb, you can’t even imagine what hope or no hope are.
I’ve been there.
You literally sit staring at the walls surrounding you. You have no thoughts. And when you try to think, there is nothing there. It’s just emptiness. This effect shoves you off the edge of sanity. You plead to feel or think about anything– good or bad. You just want to feel again because feeling something connects you to society, people, experiences, events, memories.
Numbness is like watching the world blown to bits… And you just sit there, thinking about what you should feel. Then “this feeling” manifests all of you, devouring your brain and heart into a state of paralyzing, pure numbness. You literally can’t even think about what you should feel; your mind is completely blank. You are just breathing at this point.
You stare at the walls around you and you forget what the air feels and smells like outside. How can anyone forget what the outdoors feels like? There’s one, two, three, four walls surrounding me, I thought. I’m in a cage. I can’t get out. Nobody can get in. And the worst of it all, you think nothing other than that. You don’t think if it’s okay or not okay for you to feel this way. Nobody can get in and nobody can get out. You’re just in suspense, lingering in the air with no hopes or dreams or memories or ideas or thoughts or wants or no wants or anything. It’s maddening. At this part sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, breathing regularly, and thinking are foreign reflexes.
Reflexes that make a person survive are estranged habitual behaviors. You can’t fall asleep but when you do, you can’t wake up. Weight drastically drops. Food in this state of mind is toxic. It rumbles inside your stomach and you gag. The idea of food is like reaching out to drink a bottle of arsenic and drinking it. You shrivel up and you are tired all the time. You lay in bed, not wanting to move. When you need to go to the bathroom, you simply just hold it longer than what a person thinks is humanly possible. You just can’t do anything. You just lay there in a mindless state.
At least if you’re sad, you feel like there’s no hope, which I think is so important to even have the idea of hope. You are in so much pain when numb you can’t even remember pain. You can’t remember sadness. You can’t remember happiness. You can’t remember the things you liked or disliked. It’s a hurricane whip-lashing and whirling in your head. It’s absolutely dreadful. You can’t even make a tear drop from your eyes. That’s why I say crying is important.
Crying heals you. Because then you’ll see one day if you get up there’s hope. You can accomplish something. Death is permanent but so is this numbing feeling. When ever you don’t keep yourself busy, it just tumbles in. It’s not something you want. It’s a pain so great, people can’t even imagine living through it. Nevertheless, gradually this pain disappears even when you aren’t busy but the pain becomes apart of you. It’s there but it doesn’t stir like it did. Life gets better. You just have to keep trying and pushing.
Just live. You only know your past but not your future. Who knows what is out there for you. I don’t know how numbness or depression stops, it differs per person, but every person can learn and move on from it. You just have to hang in and see.
—-Eli Jenkins, @JenkinsWritings
Daily Prompt: I Walk the Line
Have you got a code you live by? What are the principles or set of values you actively apply in your life?
—–by Krista on March 30, 2014, Daily Post
Answer: It is alright to be sad. It is more or less necessary, don’t be afraid of it. Learn from it and live life. Don’t dwell in the bad moments, dwell on the positives what you could have. Always have hope.
Author’s Notes: Last week I wrote to someone who faced a lot of tragedies in his life. He is still facing them. I wrote more or this what is written in this post to him. Things happen, and they will always be with you but at some point you have to cry about it and look towards the future. Sometimes looking at the “here-and-now” is not the best advice. Have hope that things get better. I really hope things, just his mindset on things, gets better. Then slowly they will for him. I had no intention of posting this but after I read the Prompt’s question, I thought was how sad life can be and sometimes you have to push through. It’s a code that not many mention or if it is, it is not addressed in the perspective of a person who is really struggling. I have been really sick as I have had quite the time to think what I would write for this. I eventually realized what I wrote to my friend is what really what I wanted to say. So here it is.
Blog Notes: I am still quite sorry I missed pretty much all last week’s stories. I am still recovering a bit. I am just more tired than actually sick now though. But my goal this week is to complete what I could not post last week hopefully.
Here’s a link to the featured image: http://www.deviantart.com/art/HOPE-256754628