I was sitting next to Elliot outside who was complaining about how old he felt.
“You’re only 7 years old. Imagine how I must feel!” I scolded him.
“You’re pretty much dead already, Dad. But I’m getting there too. I’m no better off,” he said looking down in the palm of his hands.
“Dead? Yo, don’t get your hopes up yet! I’m alive and kicking. You’re stuck with me for another couple of decades.”
So I got up and kicked the tree in front of me. I swung my head back at him and smiled, lost my balance and fell to the ground. Perhaps kicking a tree wasn’t such a good example. I heard Holly running out of the house and Elliot laughing hysterically at me.
I slowly managed to stand up but by then they were both laughing!
“I’m not going to forget this. You both are horrible!” I scolded them and sat back down.
“Hun, you have a piece of grass stuck to your face.” Holly brushed her hand against my cheek a few times as she continued to laugh. I could feel them staring at me.
I lost my balance, it wasn’t because I am getting older. But they like to believe it unfortunately.
“Oh, Dad, guess what?”
“The grass is green and you seriously need to start going to daycare.”
“Then, is it about the dirt I put in your pillow this morning?”
Elliot snapped his head towards me.
Then knocking the chair back, he fell and scrambled inside like a confused cat. I was trying so hard not to laugh. His arms flung every which way and he swayed back and forth to the door.
Holly knew but ran inside after him.
It is so good to have a clueless son. The young are so gullible.
It probably took a couple of minutes for him to come back dragging his feet.
“That wasn’t nice!”
“What? Did you really think I was serious?”
“Well, I think I forgot to tell you what I was talking about.”
“You have gray hair.”
“No I don’t.”
He hands me a mirror and points. “See! You’re old! You’re ancient. Your back goes out more than you do. Soon you will be able to hide your own Easter Eggs,” Elliot giggles.
This whole conversation didn’t end either. He just kept cracking wise jokes. I guess I gotta do something with him next time. Although we age, these things won’t get old.
Walking up to you wasn’t easy. Monitors stood by your bed with tubes plugged in leading to needles that saliently pierced your skin. I was facing you but I could not help but to watch the heart monitor. You laid there with your eyes closed. I didn’t want to wake you. I didn’t want to talk to you. In fact the starchy hospital atmosphere made me want to run far away from you.
You laughed in a hoarse voice, “Kid, I am not going to die.”
I didn’t see you opening your eyes. Did I have my thoughts stamped on my face?
“I know, you can’t die for another couple of decades Old Man.”
“You know, I didn’t tell you because I always remembered to take my medication.”
“Okay, right. You suddenly started forgetting about your medication out of the blue. You didn’t even warn me I could find you having a seizure!” I replied shaking my head.
I remember I was opening the door to leave. You don’t just forget to take your medication you’ve been on your whole life I thought. I didn’t understand how you could just forget or even forget to tell me that you have epilepsy. It just isn’t something you don’t mention to your son.
“I saw your mother a few days ago–”
I slammed the door shut in front of me. “Why do you even bother? I haven’t seen her in 10 years besides for once when she wanted money for drugs. Her eyes were bled shot. It is obvious she doesn’t–”
“She’s my wife! I said vows, ‘for better and for worse.’ Rick, I know you don’t understand. You don’t know what we have been through. What I have been through and most of all what she has been through. You don’t know.”
“That isn’t fair because you never talked about her. You never said a word.”
“Rick, I don’t stand on this high pedestal. And I am sorry; I guess not showing you my flaws was a flaw in itself.”
“It doesn’t matter. You aren’t on drugs like Mom.”
“I was a drug addict too though.”
“It doesn’t matter what you were. You aren’t now but she is. You have been here for my whole life while she ditched me– us, when I was 6 years old!”
“I got addicted to epilepsy pills. It didn’t stop there though. I did crack and heroin. I dragged your mother into my drug crusade. It’s my fault that–”
“It doesn’t matter. She could’ve stopped just like you did.”
“She did stop. We both did when we found out she was pregnant with you. We stayed clean too,” your voice started trailing off into a deep saturated whisper, “When you were two years old, we found out she was pregnant again with twins. We were driving to the hospital for a check up when we got into a car accident. She was only 7 months pregnant when she went into labor.”
You turned your head away from me as tears swept down your face. Your voice crackled as you reluctantly said, “The doctors couldn’t do anything for them.”
I could see your body trembling. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to say. It felt like you were telling me as if it happened an hour ago. You placed your hand over your heart and squeezed your shirt as if you were really squeezing your heart. You gasped for air, “It was my fault.”
“Dad, it wasn’t–”
Looking up at the ceiling, in an under-toned whisper you uttered I don’t think you ever wanted to say to me, “I caused the accident.”
I remember your voice; your pain seethed into my heart. Tears flowed down your cheeks against your will. The heart monitor beeped rapidly. The nurses rushed in and yelled at me to get out of the room. I glanced at you and mindlessly walked out and sat on the bench outside.
Two younger siblings I would’ve had. A mother I would’ve had. A father who didn’t live in guilt every day of his life I would’ve had. I would’ve had a perfect family, a perfect life. Perfect. Perfection.
I dug my hand into my pocket and popped a few more pills in my mouth. Everything would’ve been perfect. But here I was sitting outside of your hospital bed alone.
Da (heart's) breaking point "I can't keep proving my love" I can't keep hurting... Intimidating... I get mad then so do you, Arguing till sunrise. Smash the wall. Harder! Solves everything, right? Pound! "Argh!" "Can't take it anymore!" Listen! "No! You should! My fault I know, but you push" Starts from your mistakes! You can't see? My world... The depths of me, bleed and scream. "I know, so do I!" "I want to be free-- With you but you push, nagging" Sigh! You don't care, see... When you say that, I... Feel the same. I speak my mind. You yell when I do! Honestly, I'm done! Is there any point? Spiraling Inside hurricane... Whirling, thrusting us. Inside the eye of the storm Raining tears. Heart-break. Da (heart's) breaking point "I can't keep proving my love" I can't either, so. Like a gentle breeze, You suddenly kiss me, "Sh." "Quiet, babe. Okay?" No! That doesn't help! He kisses me again. What ... ! The dawn rises. Shines! Tender. Dulcet. Zest. You pull me in close. Kissing. Insatiable love. He's caring, loving, But like clouds on a sunny day I'm still having doubts Doubt is Hell's fiend, Questioning and analyzing Wandering distrust. "Trust me, please Baby." Beauty of dew form by trust; He stares through my soul. Not my "ideal" man.. But that's love and reasons to love, and spring sprouting Earth begins to sweat, Blossoming and living. But Hurricanes twirl... Twisters ravage spring Pulling new buds from the ground. Season's eerie love. Your tears... making me-- "I can't help but to cry though." --sad. Your river scares me.
Da (heart's) breaking point "I can't keep proving my love" I can't keep hurting... Intimidating... I get mad then so do you, Arguing till sunrise. Smash the wall. Harder! Solves everything, right? Pound! "Argh!" "Can't take it anymore!" Listen! "No! You should! My fault I know, but you push" Starts from your mistakes! You can't see? My world... The depths of me, bleed and scream. "I know, so do I!" "I want to be free-- With you but you push, nagging" Sigh! You don't care, see... When you say that, I... Feel the same. I speak my mind. You yell when I do! Honestly, I'm done! Is there any point? Spiraling Inside hurricane... Whirling, thrusting us. Inside the eye of the storm Raining tears. Heart-break. Da (heart's) breaking point "I can't keep proving my love" I can't either, so.
Note: Every day in April, I will post a haiku poem on Tumblr. Each poem continues off of the last, making the series into a short story. Haiku poems are stories in themselves so this a story within a story. On WordPress I will recap every 10 days. This is the tenth “chapter.”
Due to my busy personal life at the moment I cannot post until mid May. I sincerely apologize and obviously did not want to take a break from writing and posting. Unfortunately things just pop up. However I encourage everyone to stay tuned :D!
I found it very odd Georgia and (especially) Elliot did not try anything in the morning. Eerily odd. I was really concerned. But it was not too bad, at least I wouldn’t be home all day like Holly. And on the upside I would be home before Elliot and Georgia came home. But those two are tedious. They probably have traps laid out. I thought I knew I was safe. I would keep an eye on them and enter every room cautiously and whatever I take out to use, I will examine. I really thought my plan was safe indeed. Oh, man, I can’t help but to laugh now at my ignorance.
This morning I had my little chat with Holly about the mirror situation. She is one cheeky lady. Then we ate breakfast together. Everything was normal. My orange juice was actually orange juice instead of Mac N cheese mixed into water to look make it look like orange juice. I checked my suitcase to assure I am not bringing doodles showcasing my fabulous son’s artwork. The most impressive of all Georgia and Elliot stayed within my vision.
So I got into the car and headed to work. I am driving to one of the main offices an hour away so I had to take the highway. For some reason people kept honking. I mean it wasn’t like one or two honks. It was an absurd amount. And some people would hold down the horn or make a couple of short honks. Then others would just honk once. I thought at first perhaps it is new fad on April Fools to randomly honk your horn at people. But then I finally arrived at work and got out of the car.
I started walking to the building but I looked back at my car for reason. That is when I saw it. “Honk at my Dad! April Fools!” My mouth dropped. To think I got away. Of course it wouldn’t be in the morning or in the evening or even when I could watch them. It had to be when at the least expected time. I left it on though as I drove back from work. Hey, it was funny.
Not only that, when I got home and pulled into the drive way I saw the same sticker on Holly’s rear bumper! Georgia’s doing.
I took off my sticker and threw it in the garbage barrel then went inside.
She turned her head to me and smiled, “Hey,” she answers as she rushes up to me. “I have to pick up some stuff from the store. I know I should’ve went sooner but I got lazy.”
She gave me a kiss and scrambled out the door. I didn’t tell her about the sign though. Ha!
I sat around in the living room fiddling with some coding on my laptop when Elliot got home. He rushed to his room. Geez, everyone was in such a fit today.
Then I saw him again passing the hall way to the front door. Strange. After about 5 minutes I got up to check. I looked at him as he looked at me with a smile as he set up his plan. I see he was in a hurry to set it up for when Georgia walks through the door in 10 minutes. Elliot is some kind of genius when it comes to irony.
I decided to help him. It’s too funny. Two minutes before the bus dropped her off, Elliot and I sat on the couch waiting. We counted down the time as we giggled.
We hear here shuffling foot steps walking up to front door. The doorknob turns. Elliot and I turn to each other and smile.
A very loud, high pitch honk screeched. Then next thing I knew Elliot and I were laughing so damn hard as Georgia screams and runs towards us. For a good ten minutes we couldn’t catch our breaths. We taped an air horn to the wall so when the door opens the handle hits the button, making the tremendous, high-pitched sound.
Then after we settled down, we sat waiting for our next victim, Holly. The combination of the bumper sticker and the air horn proceeding one another is too good.
We waited for some time. Finally we heard the car pull in. Again Elliot and I turned to each other trying to burst out laughing. Georgia stared at us pouting, trying not to laugh since we also pulled it on her. We perk up as we hear her footsteps approaching the door. She sets some grocery bags on the steps and then turns the doorknob. The door swings open.
A moment of silence followed. So we briskly walk to the door. Holly stared at us and then she bursts out laughing. We all just laughed hysterically for a couple of minutes. But soon after she scolded us and commanded us to bring in the groceries.
Holly stayed in the kitchen as I stayed in the living room with the kids as they did their homework until dinner time.
I walked into the kitchen sometime before it was ready. Holly stood in front of the counter finishing a design on a cake. I watched her as she frosted “April Fools” and a giant winking smiley face on it. Oh geez I thought. There must be something wrong with the cake. That’s her prank.
She smiled at me and said, “Finished.” As if that reassures me of anything. It worries me more!
Throughout dinner the cake laid in the middle of the table. Holly begged us to try it, after all, “it is delicious!” I thought of course it is and it’s her favorite cake too. She bakes it so well the fluff and lightness overwhelms your mouth. Chocolate oozes out as you chew it. It is absolutely delicious. But I thought there was no way she would have made it for April Fools. It is some kind of joke. So we all went to bed without trying a slice.
I laid down in bed first and then Holly comes in with a cake and a fork and blops down in bed. She takes huge chunks and stuffs it in her mouth. What the hell?
I asked her, “What are you doing?”
“Eating cake,” she said casually as she stuffs another big bite in her mouth.
“What do you mean?”
“It was an actual cake?”
She swallows it and then replies, in her most fabulous British accent answers, “Of course it is real. I made it on April Fools so I could be the only one to have it.”
Then stuffed another oozing chocolate slice into her mouth. Damn that woman.
I know it is late. Sorry, I started being punctual with posting but then I got sick and now I am back to posting late. Will work on it. 🙂 Still April 2nd Central and pacific time anyways.
Midnight, April 1st, it is time! I look over at Holly, she is fast asleep. Good. Rising out of bed, I stare at her. I slip out of the covers and place my feet into my slippers. Earlier I placed bells on both of the kid’s doorknobs to assure they do not plant any jokes too early.
The toughest thing about being tall is you have to accommodate yourself to the “normal-sized” people. Not today though. Using my super stealth mode (as if it exists), I tiptoe to the bathroom, close the door behind me, and turn on the light.
Creeping over to the bathroom counter and slightly bending my knees, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Holly practically lives in front of the mirror as she gets ready for work. She asked me when we moved in if I could hang the mirror low for her. Of course I agreed. I am such a sucker when Holly asks me to do anything. Just for today things change.
I grip firmly on to the edges of the mirror and jiggle the mirror off of its hook and place it on the ground. My insides are tickling. Then I replace the Command Strip further up on the wall. Standing back, I imagine the mirror hanging from it. Hmm. It’s only for a day, right? It’s fine. Holly will only see the tip of her head though. I place the mirror back on its hook. Oh my! I can see myself without bending down! Just knowing this, strangely relaxes me.
Can’t rest yet though. All the mirrors must hang high!
I jump out of bed. “What?”
What the hell is going on.
“James!” Holly piercingly screams again.
I lounge to the door. Wait. Oh! I am in trouble for that.
“Ha! Very funny. You know you are very lucky I don’t have work today,” Holly says as she walks in front of me and lays her hand on my cheek.
“I know but you screaming scared the hell out of me!”
She stares into my eyes and then we break out laughing.
“I took the day off to go to the store today and relax and bake a cake today.”
“Oh, I see,” I chuckle.
“Watch out today. You know, they got something planned for us. Be careful.”
I kiss her on the cheek, grab her hand, and walk in the bathroom, “You know, you are really short. So short, in fact, only the top of your head is in the mirror.”
She looks up at me, again staring into my eyes. She’s cute and she knows it. Then she smiles, “At least I don’t have to worry about a ceiling fan cutting off my head.”
She’s so cheeky. I can’t help but to laugh. Today is going to be fun.
Stay tuned for Elliot’s Playground: April Fools (Part 2) tomorrow, April 2, 2014.
Da (heart's) breaking point "I can't keep proving my love." I can't keep hurting...
Note: Every day in April, I will post a haiku poem on Tumblr. Each poem continues off of the last, making the series into a short story. Haiku poems are stories in themselves so this a story within a story. On WordPress I will recap every 10 days. This is the first “chapter.”
The worst thing about the onset of depression though is not having anyone to help you. It’s such a struggle. At some point, you become self destructive socially. You become torn so much you seek for attention, willing to do anything for anyone at any given time. It doesn’t matter if you just only met this person or have only known him or her for a week or month, you cling on to this person. Then the person fades away. So, you find someone else to cling to but then eventually this person fades away too. Then the circle just keeps going until you isolate yourself. Away from everyone. And nobody is going to help anyway. There’s nobody there. Not one single family member, not any friend you ever made, you have nobody. No one wants to help a “dead beat” like you. No one needs you. No one wants you. No one.
Then you look at your life. Where are you at now? You don’t have a single person to be there for you. There’s nothing significant with your name on it. You practically have nothing in your bank account. There you are. You just are there. You’re life means nothing. Then you watch the news where people who succeed in doing something great and then they say something like, “I could not have done this without help.” You look down, scowl at your hands, nudge your feet together, and hold your breath for some time. Right, if only someone would help you. If only someone cared. If only I was important to someone. If only.
Slowly over time, depression intensifies and evolves into numbness. The epitome of sadness. The woes and the fears exceed into this dark, dark tunnel. A tunnel with nothing in it but you and darkness. It’s the epic of every tragic suicide.
You don’t want to experience numbness, it’s more painful than feeling sad. It’s horrible. You can’t feel anything. You can’t think about anything. You can’t bring yourself to do anything. You’re smack in the middle of hope and no hope; at least if you feel no hope, you know hope exists. If you’re numb, you can’t even imagine what hope or no hope are.
I’ve been there.
You literally sit staring at the walls surrounding you. You have no thoughts. And when you try to think, there is nothing there. It’s just emptiness. This effect shoves you off the edge of sanity. You plead to feel or think about anything– good or bad. You just want to feel again because feeling something connects you to society, people, experiences, events, memories.
Numbness is like watching the world blown to bits… And you just sit there, thinking about what you should feel. Then “this feeling” manifests all of you, devouring your brain and heart into a state of paralyzing, pure numbness. You literally can’t even think about what you should feel; your mind is completely blank. You are just breathing at this point.
You stare at the walls around you and you forget what the air feels and smells like outside. How can anyone forget what the outdoors feels like? There’s one, two, three, four walls surrounding me, I thought. I’m in a cage. I can’t get out. Nobody can get in. And the worst of it all, you think nothing other than that. You don’t think if it’s okay or not okay for you to feel this way. Nobody can get in and nobody can get out. You’re just in suspense, lingering in the air with no hopes or dreams or memories or ideas or thoughts or wants or no wants or anything. It’s maddening. At this part sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, breathing regularly, and thinking are foreign reflexes.
Reflexes that make a person survive are estranged habitual behaviors. You can’t fall asleep but when you do, you can’t wake up. Weight drastically drops. Food in this state of mind is toxic. It rumbles inside your stomach and you gag. The idea of food is like reaching out to drink a bottle of arsenic and drinking it. You shrivel up and you are tired all the time. You lay in bed, not wanting to move. When you need to go to the bathroom, you simply just hold it longer than what a person thinks is humanly possible. You just can’t do anything. You just lay there in a mindless state.
At least if you’re sad, you feel like there’s no hope, which I think is so important to even have the idea of hope. You are in so much pain when numb you can’t even remember pain. You can’t remember sadness. You can’t remember happiness. You can’t remember the things you liked or disliked. It’s a hurricane whip-lashing and whirling in your head. It’s absolutely dreadful. You can’t even make a tear drop from your eyes. That’s why I say crying is important.
Crying heals you. Because then you’ll see one day if you get up there’s hope. You can accomplish something. Death is permanent but so is this numbing feeling. When ever you don’t keep yourself busy, it just tumbles in. It’s not something you want. It’s a pain so great, people can’t even imagine living through it. Nevertheless, gradually this pain disappears even when you aren’t busy but the pain becomes apart of you. It’s there but it doesn’t stir like it did. Life gets better. You just have to keep trying and pushing.
Just live. You only know your past but not your future. Who knows what is out there for you. I don’t know how numbness or depression stops, it differs per person, but every person can learn and move on from it. You just have to hang in and see.
—-Eli Jenkins, @JenkinsWritings
Daily Prompt: I Walk the Line
Have you got a code you live by? What are the principles or set of values you actively apply in your life?
—–by Krista on March 30, 2014, Daily Post
Answer: It is alright to be sad. It is more or less necessary, don’t be afraid of it. Learn from it and live life. Don’t dwell in the bad moments, dwell on the positives what you could have. Always have hope.
Author’s Notes: Last week I wrote to someone who faced a lot of tragedies in his life. He is still facing them. I wrote more or this what is written in this post to him. Things happen, and they will always be with you but at some point you have to cry about it and look towards the future. Sometimes looking at the “here-and-now” is not the best advice. Have hope that things get better. I really hope things, just his mindset on things, gets better. Then slowly they will for him. I had no intention of posting this but after I read the Prompt’s question, I thought was how sad life can be and sometimes you have to push through. It’s a code that not many mention or if it is, it is not addressed in the perspective of a person who is really struggling. I have been really sick as I have had quite the time to think what I would write for this. I eventually realized what I wrote to my friend is what really what I wanted to say. So here it is.
Blog Notes: I am still quite sorry I missed pretty much all last week’s stories. I am still recovering a bit. I am just more tired than actually sick now though. But my goal this week is to complete what I could not post last week hopefully.
Here’s a link to the featured image: http://www.deviantart.com/art/HOPE-256754628