There is no point living when there is no life to live. I feel like I am drowning but I still got breath. And I am scared as hell.
There is darkness below me but the sun shines above. Do I kick to breathe once more? Or do I…
Do I close my eyes and hope I awake from this nightmare?
I am here trying not to look back…
But I still look for you in crowds. If you could see me now would you stand in disgrace or take a bow? If only I could hear you now. Hear your words, your voice. Would you say “I love you”? At the place I am at in my life, could you love me for who I am?
I doubt you could recognize me now. But we share the same face in the mirror. It makes me shiver. Time has passed so seemingly fast that I have almost caught up to your age.
It is kind of scary.
Your eyes were so calm. Your smile was so genuine. But your look was sort of out desperation. It puzzled me. Desperation for what? I do not know. It simply did not suit you. But it made me love you all the more.
Your hugs were so tight. You put extra food on my plate. You would always give me a cheeky smirk when I looked up at you after falling flat on my face. And then you would proceed by bandaging me up right away. “Never bite more than you can chew” you would always quip.
I must be a fool to let my life slip away. Perhaps now it is time to chase you to where you are just to hear you say I am insane. I don’t know. I am in pain and so much so that maybe I am better off this way. It gets harder every day. The more time passes the more I become fragile and cold. It has become quite difficult to wake up and quite impossible to fall asleep. I am scared that I am holding up by a thin, thin thread. I am so sad.
I count the days that you have been gone. I know you have been watching me. I know you hear what I say. But you cannot see or hear what’s in me.
A lot of things went to hell after you left– as you can probably tell. I know I should have tried a little harder. But my mind became a storm. It blew my life off course. The rain does not stop. The lightning is so loud and bright. The clouds are so vast and enormous. The flooding has drowned out any rationality that I might have had. My life is underneath this storm. I am drowning…
Apart of me knows all my sins are wrong. I know I am not that innocent child you once knew. But does anyone ever stay innocent? Look at me. I am not that successful person you wanted me to be. I am far from it but look at my life after you left. Where could I have turned? I became corrupt and evil and full of melancholy.
The things I heard from you are like the words and sentences from books. The things I have seen are a far cry from the things I saw with you–or rather the things I did not see with you.
But I still hope I could be like you. I am a loser at this game unlike you. I need to share my view before I… drown. Give me a sign, speak to me in some way. Hear me out and tell me are you sad for what I have become?
There will be more chapters. I figure perhaps less than 10 chapters of this size. I also figure I will release a chapter a week.